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What Makes for a Good Dom?

Content warning for discussions of sexual violence and coercion. Please note that in this blog post I refer to male dominants, but doms good and bad can come in any gender.

We live in an age where any man with a phone and a bank account can become a Twitter-famous dom. His comments will be filled with other wannabe doms gassing him up for how macho he is and his 5 most recent tweets will all have the f slur in them. As more and more doms set up shop in the kink community, and more and more horror stories come out from submissives about toxic doms, I find myself asking – what makes for a good dom?

William Shakespeare’s penultimate work, The Tempest, deals with this very question. Onlyfans hadn’t been invented yet, but Will definitely knew what a cash pig was. You see, men with power has been a topic of debate for centuries, but with the rise of self-employed sex work, there always seems to be new doms springing up without much of a track record. This is why it’s important now more than ever to vet the people we do kink with.

Vetting looks different for everyone, but the idea is that before engaging in BDSM with someone new, you should get to know them. This means having conversations about both of your interests and turn-ons, your boundaries, setting a safe word if you think you’ll need one. It’s the groundwork upon which all play and pleasure stem from. Vetting is also good because if, like me, you do kink scenes or roleplay with people online who you’ve never actually met, these initial conversations help determine what kind of sexual chemistry you have with that person. Jumping straight into the deep end without it being clear to both/all individuals what the rules are for the play can have some potentially traumatising consequences.

Below I’ve compiled some red flags and green flags when it comes to vetting doms. These are based on my own experiences, and also from stories I’ve heard from others in the community. In sharing these, I aim to provide a useful resource that promotes safer and more pleasurable kink play.

🚩 Red Flag: He Can’t Switch Off His Dom Persona

Let me give you a for instance. One day you’re going through your message requests and there’s one from this blank profile whose username is mrbigmandom69. You send a few messages back and forth, but it becomes clear very quickly that he’s forcing a dom/sub dynamic onto you before you’ve even had the chance to consent.

Doms who force roleplay dynamics onto you don’t actually want you to have good sexual experiences – they’re only invested in getting off from getting their way. Dom personas often include intimidation, humiliation, bullying etc. – forms of control that, in a consensual kink scene, drive a sub crazy with how hot they are. But if these control tactics are being employed when you’re laying the groundwork for your play, that’s a huge red flag. And if he’s cussing you out and talking about how you’re disrespecting him by not immediately playing along as a willing sub, that’s also a huge red flag.

You should always be able to have conversations around vetting, interests, boundaries etc. without dom/sub dynamics influencing those conversations.

Outside of the actual scene, your dom should be making you feel comfortable and safe enough to be able to articulate issues you may be having, or needs of yours that need to be addressed. His dom persona should have an off-switch, and you should be able to converse with him without any power dynamics at play. In the bedroom, he can control you all you want him to, but outside of it, you really should feel like it’s an equal playing field where he respects you.

🚩 Red Flag: He Pressures You Into Doing What He Wants

“Don’t waste my time.”
“Other subs would KILL to have me dom them.”
“You’re the only one who has an issue with this.”

Passive aggressive whinging wasn’t on my dom bingo card, yet somehow these toxic doms love throwing a temper tantrum when you don’t want to meet their unsolicited demands. And these are the men who think they’re masc enough to dominate?

Coercing people into doing the sexual acts you want them to do is a form of sexual harassment, and if that act actually carries through, could be identified as sexual assault, depending on what it is and the situation. These are manipulation tactics, plain and simple, and typically involve making you feel guilty or ashamed, like you’re missing out, or like you don’t deserve autonomy over your body. Your boundaries are important and it’s imperative that your dom not only knows this, but practises respecting them.

For doms who are still learning the dom ABCs, here are some examples of things to say when your kink partner expresses that they don’t want to do something you do:

“Ok cool, we won’t do that.”

Yep. That’s it. Yeah.

🚩 Red Flag: He Doesn’t Respond to Your Messages/Only Responds When He Wants Your Submission

Doms who only message you when they want to simulate abusing you deserve death by sharknado.

I’ve had many a conversation with a man wishing to dominate me where I’ll be messaging him questions like ‘how old are you?’ or ‘what are your limits?’*, and he responds with ‘send me a pic >:)’. Like sir, did you go to the University of Horrible Communication? If your dom isn’t actually having a two-way conversation with you (and just asking you questions to get off to), how in the hell are you supposed to develop the trust needed to engage in BDSM scenes? You are not Google; your messages and your questions deserve acknowledgement.

*Circling back to the vetting conversation – if he doesn’t answer your vetting questions, he’s not safe for play!

We’ve discussed the red flags – So what are some green flags?

Green Flag: Aftercare

Aftercare involves activities that build intimacy and sensitivity, and are carried out after BDSM or sex acts. It helps transition you from the intensity of sexual pleasure or kink play back into the real world. Aftercare activities can include:

  • Physical affection like cuddling, massages etc.
  • Sharing food and water (gotta rehydrate)
  • Showering and/or sleeping together
  • Words of affirmation
  • Watching a trashy movie

Being submissive can be quite an intense experience as for a lot of us, we’re getting in touch with a traumatic incident we’ve experienced (and reclaiming control through consensual kink play). If a session is particularly rough or humiliating, it’s especially important your dom counteracts the brutality of the session with sensitive aftercare. It’ll look different for everyone and you should feel comfortable expressing what you want to your dom.

Green Flag: Checking In

A good dom checks in with you in-between sessions. Feedback is important, not just to address any issues that might have come up from your last play, but to also talk about what can be done to make the play even hotter. If you have sexual trauma, it might also take some time for you to figure out how you’re feeling as you aren’t able to articulate in the moment if something isn’t good.

I used to have a semi-regular friends with benefits situation that wasn’t just about BDSM, but did involve me submitting to him as a wedgie sub. In-between one of our first few sessions, we checked in and asked each other what could be improved from the previous session. Through this checking in, I told him that there was a moment in our play where he was flossing my ass real good, and he shushed me for whimpering too loudly – this was so unbelievably hot to me. Thus during our next hook-up, we had a real lengthy session where he shushed me and forced me to silently just take the relentless wedgies he was giving me. And so one of my favourite wedgie dynamics was born, and it wouldn’t have been if it weren’t for that open dialogue.

✅ Green Flag: He Has a Positive Track Record

Most kink communities tend to be self-policed due to their underground nature. What this typically means is that it’s up to the community to uphold safe practices and hold members who are causing harm accountable for their actions. A dom who has been around a while and has a reputable track record is a green flag because other people can vouch for him as a safe person to play with. This also means he’s usually done enough meet-ups and has gained the experience to know how to actually dom properly; he’s not some random guy who decided to profit off of a niche community he’s not even a part of, but someone who has experience working with other members of this community and is invested in maintaining a safe community.

It is important to mention though that just because a dom has a good track record doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of harm, or doesn’t mean that every session he has will be positive. But in the context of inexperienced vs. experienced doms, I know that for me personally, I tend to learn towards the experienced doms because more often than not, they know what they’re doing.

Conclusion: Maybe Be a Good Person??

There are a lot of doms who think they can pick up domination just like that, but there’s a lot of work that needs to be done to ensure you’re creating safe environments for your subs. The onus really shouldn’t be on subs to know who is a good dom and who isn’t, the onus needs to be on doms to do better. That being said, making blog posts like this is still important to keep our community mindful and aware when choosing who we engage with in kink play.

At the end of the day, if you don’t feel comfortable having a conversation with your dom about your boundaries, then you should not be engaging in BDSM with them. Kink is fun and pleasurable, but it can be dangerous and thus requires trust and safety. This isn’t to victim-blame subs for the toxicity some doms enact, but moreso to say that your safety and wellbeing is everything in this space. Don’t throw it away for some guy who passes off not showering and reenacting violence for a respectable dom in this community. And even if you don’t think he’s a ‘bad’ dom, I know from experiencing that having these conversations with the people I play with has almost always resulted in better play and better wedgies, and isn’t that what all of us want?

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Keeping Politics Separate from the Wedgie Community

Someone I follow (well, used to follow) recently made a tweet supporting the idea of removing transgender people from the LGBTQIA+ community (i.e. removing the “T” from the “LGB”). Naturally they were called out by a bunch of people and they deleted their tweet, but in and amongst the people speaking out against this, there were also some people who voiced the opinion that it shouldn’t matter a wedgie creator’s political views, and that we should keep politics separate from the wedgie community. And while I disagree, I wanted to openly discuss why it’s so important to me to be politically-spoken on my wedgie accounts.

Like the rest of us, I’m part of this community to see some darn good wedgies. I love hopping on after not being online for a few days and seeing all the hot new wedgie pics and videos – in fact one of my favourite pastimes is just lying in bed in a shoulder wedgie and scrolling through my wedgie feed. A lot of the time when I’m engaging with the community, my intentions are solely focused on this sexual interest I have in my wedgie kink, and politics is usually the last thing on my mind.

But here’s the thing: whether you like it or not, this community is inherently political. We are all operating from environments and upbringings and identities in our respective societies that are political, and to demand that this space be depoliticised is not actually possible.

We’re currently facing an increasing rise of transphobia, as many societies around the world move to push forward legislation that would ban transgender people from public life. Laws like Oklahoma’s 2022 anti-trans bathroom bill and Utah banning minors from accessing gender affirming healthcare are quickly becoming an alarming reality, with many pointing out that 8 of the 10 stages of genocide have already occurred when it comes to transgender people.

Witnessing some of my queer cisgender mutuals share these views has been jarring, especially since it wasn’t that long ago that these same narratives were being used to oppress gay people (and arguably still are used to some extent). The narrative that transgender people are perverted and coerce children into doing harmful things, and are brainwashing society by purely existing, are the exact same narratives weaponised against queer people (particularly queer men) just a couple decades ago. It’s ironic to me that some cisgender queer people are now regurgitating those same narratives, as if the cishet conservatives who originally spouted them aren’t also praying on your downfall.

It is important now more than ever to stand in solidarity with our trans siblings, and with those in our community who embody any marginalised identity. The wedgie community doesn’t need to be depoliticised, quite frankly it needs the opposite – we should be talking about this more and we should be using our voices and our platforms to support our most oppressed members. I understand many of us come to this community for an escape from the harsh realities of our daily lives, but if that escape involves the reinforcement of oppressive structures, is it really an escape or do you just want a space where you can regurgitate harmful ideologies without being criticised?

To deny transgender people and their allies the freedom to stand up for themselves and denounce transphobia is in itself an expression of political belief, because you are upholding the ideology that transgender people have no claim to a community that was founded by trans people. If you remain silent when you see someone advocating for the removal of trans people from the LGBT+ community, but you criticise anyone who speaks out against transphobia, you need to take a hard look at where your priorities lie. Because if the hill you’re willing to die on is letting people in this community advocate for the exclusion of trans people, then you’re not invested in this community, you’re just invested in transphobia.

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The Importance of Age-Restricting Wedgie Content

Recently there’s been much discourse in the online wedgie community about wedgie content that includes minors and the lack of age-appropriate boundaries certain members have. We’ve seen numerous people be exposed (and rightfully so) and it’s been great to see such a large portion of the community rally against this. It does however raise the question of how can we as adults eliminate predatory content and make these online spaces safer for minors.

Age of Consent

Before I delve into this, it’s important to deal with the discrepancies in the age of consent. Different countries around the world have different legal ages of consent, such as the U.K.’s being 16 years old and South Korea’s being 20. These discrepancies are often cited in defence of adults engaging sexually or romantically with someone who is in their mid to late teens but still underage (just take Call Me By Your Name for example). The issue is that legality has not often mirrored morality, and the legal ages of consent currently in place in nations across the world aren’t necessarily any indication of a fixed moral truth. This therefore elucidates just how problematic it can be to justify romantic or sexual acts with minors using the argument of ‘legal age of consent’. In other words, just because your government thinks adults having sex with 15 year olds is ok, that doesn’t make it ok.

At least from what I’ve perceived, 18 years old seems to be a pretty standard colloquial age of consent. Indeed when setting age-appropriate boundaries on social media, many of us put some form of “18+” or “must be above 18 to follow” in our bios. I’d argue that even outside our online wedgie community this is the norm, with memes like “neurodivergent and a minor” and “teens will turn 18 and tweet ‘minors DNI [do not interact]'” becoming popular, the implication being that a minor is someone who is 17 or under. Therefore, at least colloquially here in the west, it’s fairly safe to assume 18 years old is the cut-off point when we’re talking about age-appropriate boundaries (although there is still much conversation to be had about maturing and brain development and exploring ages of consent older than 18, which I won’t delve into here but think is important to acknowledge).

I won’t give my opinion on whether or not minors should be a part of the online wedgie community, mostly because I don’t think at this point I have a solid answer to that. I will say that there are many ways in which being a part of these spaces are beneficial in helping underage people come to terms with and begin to understand wedgies as a kink. Fetish is very rarely included in sex education curriculums, and I think that’s unfortunately almost universally the case. While not everyone thinks that kink should be taught in sex education curriculums, I’d argue that at least acknowledging their existence, the ways and circumstances in which they can develop and dispelling stigma surrounding it would be a sufficient way to include fetish on school syllabuses. As we all know, abstinence and shame-based approaches when it comes to sex education rarely work. Therefore, having access to at least some aspects of the online wedgie community means underage folks can make friendships and feel valuable community support for something that is so stigmatised and shamed. As someone who started my wedgie Instagram account at 18, even I’ve gained so much from being in these spaces. It’s certainly helped me unlearn a lot of my internalised kinkshame and guilt which I harboured for over a decade, and I think having (limited) access to parts of the online community from a younger age would’ve helped to achieve that a lot sooner.

De-Sexualisation of Wedgies?

That brings me to the question: Can we de-sexualise wedgies? Are we able to create sections of the online community that are desexualised so underage members can still receive the benefits I’ve listed above? I think the answer to that is… nuanced.

Obviously the main attraction to BDSM is the sexual pleasure of it all. That’s what got me into wedgies in the first place, and it’s what will keep me coming back no matter how sore my ass is. But I’ve recently realised that there are definitely elements of kink where sex, sexuality and sexual pleasure aren’t the priority. For example, rope bondage is not something I’m inherently sexually attracted to. Combined with wedgies, sure, but on its own, it doesn’t do it for me. I’ve come to really have an, I suppose, artistic and aesthetic appreciation for rope bondage content though, and I could absolutely see myself participating in a rope bondage sub session for reasons other than receiving sexual pleasure. Moreover, kink can be comforting escapism that helps us process traumatic events or can be a tool of consolation for the harsh reality of the world we live in. Sexual pleasure is a big part of kink, but that’s not why all of us are interested in it, and a lot of us actually engage with it in a multitude of ways outside of just for sexual pleasure.

That all being said, with wedgies it’s a bit more complicated. Wedgies not only involve someone’s genitals, but directly inflict pain upon them. With rope play or even something like furries, sexual pleasure can arguably be separated from the kink to an extent, whereas with wedgies the inherent contact with genitals adds many question marks as to whether or not wedgies as a kink can be de-sexualised. I’m sure some people in the community have compartmentalised wedgies into two different categories: one where it is explicitly sexual and involves roleplay fantasies, and one where it’s a meaningless prank that they pull with their friends. And that’s largely due to the normalisation of wedgies as just that: meaningless pranks.

At least in the west, wedgies are seen in the media as being fun and consequence-less, and only occasionally regarded as ‘bullying’. For a lot of us, we came to know about wedgies as children and it’s most prominent in children’s media, especially cartoons. Wedgies are shown to be this harmless surprise prank that you can pull on your best mate, or that a bully can give a nerd to embarrass them. But that’s the extent of it. There’s never any acknowledgement of the fact that due to the intrinsic contact with your genitals (as mentioned above), a lack of consent means that a surprise wedgie is sexual harassment or even assault. I believe that as we mature into adults, most of us realise that wedgies aren’t exactly a socially appropriate thing to do, but for kids whose main exposure to wedgies are as schoolyard pranks, they don’t realise a) the harm (not just physical) an unsolicited wedgie can give, and b) the ways in which wedgies can be sexualised. Adults can perceive of wedgies as being something sexual because we’ve matured and developed an understanding of and relationship with our sexual side, whereas kids can only see it as a hilarious prank. And that’s at the crux of why it’s particularly important to have age-appropriate boundaries in this community, because young underage people aren’t able to recognise neither the harm nor the sexualised nature of wedgies and can unknowingly view content and engage with people who are operating from a sexual standpoint.

That last point is particularly significant because I think almost all of us here engage with the community in at least somewhat of a sexual mindset. Even if you individually don’t see wedgies as a sexual thing, the majority of us do and most importantly, that separation is not something that can be easily comprehended by a kid who is yet to mature.

If you’re posting wedgie content that features children (or God forbid you’re an adult who has a meet-up with a minor), it will be sexualised. Regardless of if you personally think it’s just a fun prank, it will be sexualised because this community centres adult members who have a sexual relationship with wedgies. It will also be presented in a feed of content made by adults that are intended to be perceived as sexual, e.g. Onlyfans video previews.

A clear indication of this is the comments section of your standard wedgie video or thirst trap. There’s always an array of comments from other adults saying “hot” or “sexy” or like three fire emojis. As far as posting content in the online wedgie community, it is inherently sexualised therefore posting content with minors is immoral.

So… What should we do about this?

Once again, I can’t speak to whether or not minors should be completely left out of online wedgie spaces because there are many benefits to being a part of it, including building community, building friendships and being validated that your kink or your interest in wedgies is ok. These spaces have such an ability for good, to help us all unlearn shameful and stigmatised thinking and to understand ourselves better, and if I had had access to this space sooner I wouldn’t have had so many years of hating such an important part of who I am.

On the other hand, there are people here that do not have appropriate boundaries when it comes to age and who, intentionally or not, are capable of making this space unsafe for underage individuals. I think at this point, the best way forward is to continue to de-platform these predatory adults from the community and to set in place boundaries that ensure that minors have access to helpful resources that can help them understand themselves better while also barring them from viewing content that is not for them at this time. And that’s part of why I created this website, to provide safe for work resources that anyone of any age can engage with and benefit from.

So what does that look like in practice? Well besides the obvious of not posting wedgie content of minors, I suggest the following:

  • Put your age in your bio. It’s so easy to become faceless strangers interacting with each other online, so clearly stating your age is a vital first step
  • Put “18+” in your bio if you post wedgie content with the intention of it being sexualised, or if others engage with it in a sexual nature. If you have 20 homosexuals in your comments thirsting over your wedgie pic, that’s probably a good indication of your account being a sexualised space
  • Soft-block mutuals who are underage. Soft-blocking is essentially blocking someone then unblocking them so that neither of you follow each other. It’s an efficient way to remove minors who follow you while also ensuring you don’t follow them
  • Let the community know if an adult account is posting wedgie content that features minors. You can do this by calling them out on your story or in a post
  • Continue to have conversations with fellow members of the community about why these boundaries are necessary. Whether you have 20 followers or 2,000 followers it’s important to be vocal about this issue and keep having this conversation

So those are my thoughts on the matter. As adults in this community, it’s our responsibility to ensure that our underage members can have the safest experience possible as they come to understand their own relationship to kink and sexual identity. I think that our community has such compassionate and responsible members who are all about making ~the online wedgie experience~ safe and satisfactory, and there’s no doubt in my mind that we can and we will make this space as accommodating as possible for everyone.

For further discussion of the nuances in kink discourse and exploring kink without sexual pleasure, I recommend listening to Kat Blaque’s True Tea episode on Kink at Pride, as well as the accompanying call-in show. Kat Blaque is a YouTuber and avid speaker on BDSM, especially as someone who frequents the LA kink scene.

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Welcome to My Website

Note: This blog post references wedgie packages of exclusive content that are no longer accessible. These references have been kept in order to preserve the authenticity of this blog post, but please note that the packages referred to in this blog post are unavailable for the time being.

Thank you so much for visiting my website. It’s been my little baby for a while and I’m so excited and proud to share it with you.

I’ve wanted to create a website for some time now, pretty much since mid-2020. I dabbled in Onlyfans for a while, but the constant pressure of subscription-based exclusive content made it difficult to upkeep with my busy life. By the end of 2020, I’d already made 45 exclusive videos that would suit better as a once-off payment for access to them all. I considered selling Google Drives, but really what I wanted was more than a digitised back-of-the-Blockbuster porn shop – I craved a space where I could express all aspects of my experience with wedgies and kink, exploring my wedgie fetish through creativity. And so I created this website.

In addition to the numerous content packages, including the Complete Wedgie Package that grants you access to all 45 exclusive videos and 94 exclusive photos, there’s also the public gallery which contains a back up of pretty much all of my wedgie photosets I’ve posted over the past few years. I’ve also got this blog section where I’ll be publishing unfiltered thoughts and commentary on the community – stuff like that. Then we’ve got the interviews section, which is really exciting. There I’ll be posting interviews I’ve done with members of the wedgie community, discussing their experiences and their relationship with this wacky yet hot kink we all share. I’ve already published my interview with the wonderful TomasLucianna there, go check it out!

The final feature of this website is the creative writing section, which is probably my favourite thing I’m launching as a part of this website. This is where I’m fully letting my creativity run loose. The first piece of creative writing has already been posted, which is Chapter 1 of Wedgie Warlock. I’ll write a separate blog post detailing the process of writing this series but for now go check it out!

So, perhaps it’d be good to share a bit about me. I’m Cody, I’m 22 and I’m from Melbourne, Australia. Wedgies have been a part of my life pretty much since the beginning – I think I received my first wedgie when I was 5 or 6. I had a friend who went to the same primary school as me, and sometimes after school I’d go over to his place and we’d give each other wedgies in his attic. I remember he had a foosball table and we’d hook our underwear on the knobs and squat down, giving ourselves wedgies. I moved primary schools when I was 8 though, and we unfortunately lost contact.

From there on, wedgies became a more hidden part of my life. I’ll go into this more in a separate blog post, but I’d internalised a lot of shame and guilt regarding this fetish, and I was worried that giving myself wedgies, or even looking at wedgies on the internet or thinking about them was bad. And so from ages 9 to 18, I very rarely engaged with my kink. I would go months without wedgieing myself, until I eventually caved and gave in, having the most intense wedgie session with myself, and then would feel so guilty that I would suppress it for a further few months. If only teenage me knew anything about sexual liberation.

When I was 19, I’d just gotten out of a pretty rough break-up with my ex and was seeing a therapist to learn how to cope and process such intense emotions. By that time, I’d been witness to much discourse online about sex positivity and kink, and I guess in the back of my mind I was starting to unpack some of that internalised kinkshame. I brought it up with my therapist and for the first time in maybe ever, I engaged with my fetish in an open and non-judgemental way. I began removing all stigma associated with it, and was able to finally enjoy wedgies from myself. 19 is also when I created my Instagram account and formally became a part of the online wedgie community.

Since then, wedgies have become a big part of my life. I lived by myself for two years for study, meaning I could wedgie myself all day if I wanted to (which I most certainly did). I got to know my wedgie preferences (and how ripping atomic wedgies truly are heaven on earth). I had wedgie meet-ups and leant into my more dom side, as well as several Grindr hook-ups that were surprisingly ok with (and good at) giving me wedgies. I’ve even told a few of my close friends about the fetish and they’ve been really supportive and accepting.

Being an artist in my everyday life, it feels natural that I’d want to explore the intersection between my creativity, kink and sexual pleasure. It feels like the logical next step for me too, now that I’m in a place where there’s no longer anything holding me back from experiencing wedgies to their fullest, most intense and most intimate extents. I truly can’t wait for you all to see the things I’m cooking up for this website.

So yeah, that’s a bit about me and my background when it comes to wedgies. I’ll be uploading more blog posts soon, but in the mean time go and check out the other sections of this website. Thanks for stopping by!

— Cody Thompson